


Nightmares

by shinnotomoe (gurajiorasu)



Category: Japanese Drama, 臨床犯罪学者 火村英生の推理 | Himura Hideo no Suiri | Criminologist Himura and Mystery Writer Arisugawa (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-28
Packaged: 2018-05-29 16:51:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6384613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gurajiorasu/pseuds/shinnotomoe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You were grunting in your sleep,” Alice pointed out when Himura finally awoke and stared back at him. “Want me to wake you up next time?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares

Alice stared as Himura stirred in his sleep. He contemplated from his seat across the room, eyeing Himura’s every movement and trying to figure out what Himura was mumbling–if there’s actually anything. He waited, as he always did, for Himura to say something. He always thought that whatever haunting Himura in his nightmares would let him know more about the man, but up until then he had discovered nothing aside of the wrenching feeling in his stomach every time he saw Himura like this.  
  
He had seen this enough times to know that eventually Himura would wake up by himself. He also had seen this enough times to know that Himura would always look at his hands in horror right after. He knew, and probably he should ask rather than waiting for something to slip out of the man’s mouth, but he couldn’t because somehow he wasn’t sure if he was ready for the truth.  
  
Himura would answer, Alice knew that for a fact. And Himura wouldn’t lie, that’s what Alice was afraid of.  
  
“You were grunting in your sleep,” Alice pointed out when Himura finally awoke and stared back at him. “Want me to wake you up next time?”  
  
Himura looked at him and Alice just kept chewing for the sake of his sanity.  
  
“Yes. And gently,” Himura said, looking straight to Alice’s eyes.  
  
Alice nodded and turned back to his laptop, acting nonchalant when he was completely otherwise. He let his fingers danced on the keyboard–typing whatever–and stopped to listen to the silence.  
  
For a reason he wasn’t really sure what, Alice’s mind wandered back to his first love. He remembered the smile, the absence, and then the news that followed. The girl who he was sure he loved so much at that time was planning a suicide and he didn’t realize a thing. The girl survived, thankfully, but Alice couldn’t help but to think what if she didn’t.  
  
What if _Himura_ wouldn’t.  
  
It’s not like Alice suspected that Himura would commit suicide–hell, no. It was just that he knew, there’s darkness inside Himura that was pulling the man away from him; a pitch black pit that was tempting Himura to jump in. Alice didn’t really understand what’s going on but it was bad and strong, he could feel it.  
  
Sometimes, Alice wondered what’s in Himura’s nightmare. Sometimes, Alice wondered if Himura’s nightmare was as persistent as his, as soul-hollowing as his. He wondered if in his nightmare, Himura also jumped off of a cliff, falling. He wondered if in Himura’s nightmare, there’s him. He wondered, if there, _too_ , he failed to rescue Himura.  
  
Without realizing, Alice balled his hand into a grip. The empty feeling of it was harrowing, reminding him of every single one of his nightmares where he reached out to Himura but couldn’t get his hand on him. He closed his eyes in reflex, because it’s always too painful to remember how Himura was falling right in front of him. Every single time.  
  
A rustling voice pulled Alice out from his deep thought. He turned his head towards Himura, finding that the other man was getting restless yet again. Himura’s feet were kicking the blanket that Alice had fetched for him earlier; his head was thrashing left and right.  
  
Alice’s heart wrenched at the sight. He quietly rose from his seat then took hushed steps towards the sofa and dropped himself right next to Himura’s head. He put his chin beside Himura’s face and, almost inaudibly, he whispered, “What is it that you see? What is it that you’re running away from?”  
  
Himura didn’t respond, of course. Little jerks were waving through his body. Beads of sweat were rolling down his temple. His breath was ragged; his lips were getting pale.  
  
“Na, Himura,” Alice had to push his voice through the lump in his throat, “What should I do to help you?”  
  
Himura grunted and his movements ceased. It’s always like this; a short calm before the storm, a short peace before Himura’s movements got even more frantic and he woke up violently with a start.  
  
Alice put his left arm to the sofa and he rested his temple on it, burying his face. “Dammit, you jerk. Stop facing it alone so I could help you, would you?” After saying that, Alice just realized how tired he was. He was tired of seeing Himura like this and couldn’t do a thing. “I had enough of seeing you falling, you know? Couldn’t you just– just let me reach you?” Without thinking, Alice wormed his right hand inside the blanket and wrapped Himura’s hand in his.  
  
Alice found exploding peace in it–in grabbing Himura’s hand and not nothingness as what he always grabbed in his nightmares. He found the warmth that was spreading from Himura’s hand was melting his defense down, making him shake in longing–in abrupt relief that he knew only for temporary.  
  
That night, they unconsciously kept the touch as if separating would break them.  
  
That night, both of them drifted to a peaceful sleep that, for once, didn’t bring them any nightmare.  
  
Finally, for a moment, they were fine.  
  
\---  
  
Himura felt strange when he opened his eyes that morning. He wasn’t used to wake up in peace–especially when he’s tired and occupied with the thoughts of a murder case. He looked to his right and he found Alice there, sleeping peacefully despite the uncomfortable position that he was in.  
  
Himura smiled. Not the obligatory smile that he usually wore, not the dark smile that slipped out every once in a while, not the bitter smile or the pained smile. He sincerely smiled with all of the will that he had in one time.  
  
Himura raised his hand–the one that was not being grabbed by Alice–and moved it towards Alice head. He stopped it midway, however, deciding against it as a million and one thoughts crossed his head.  
  
Alice was Himura’s lifeline. Alice was his anchor. Himura knew he needed Alice in every step that he took, but he couldn’t stop hating himself for dragging Alice along with him. He knew Alice could have a better life–a _brighter_ life–without him to follow around and take care of, but he couldn’t bring himself to even _think_ how his life would be without Alice. All he could do was keeping Alice close, protecting him.  
  
From himself.  
  
Himura dropped his hand lightly to Alice’s. He rubbed it vaguely with his thumb, and then moved it gently from his other hand. Himura stood up, trying to make as little movements as he could, and then squatted next to Alice. He wrapped the blanket to Alice, smiling lightly as Alice leaned closer to the warmth. He patted Alice’s head once finally, and sighed while whispering,  
  
“ _Suman na_.”  
  
For everything that had happened and will happen along the path that they walk together, Himura apologized.  



End file.
